I’ve been thinking a lot about what my word for this year is. I had felt stirrings of it in the fall and kind of chosen it and God just seems to be confirming more and more that this is my word for this year. The word is innocence. I think a lot of people believe that once innocence is gone, it cannot be reclaimed. But I want to dare to believe that maybe it can. As I think about all the aspects that are conjured up and feel related to it, I think of how innocence is not necessarily naivety. It’s not a refusal to believe that something might be bad or worse than we first think, it’s not a refusal that there is bad and very hard things in the world and our own lives. But I think it’s the choice to imagine the good first, to err on the side of this looks amazing, this could be incredible, this person feels genuine, there might not be a catch in this deal that seems amazing. Its the choice to see the good first, see the potential first, see the beauty first, take the chance first, go out on a limb first, be willing to be made a fool first, give more away than you get first. Its erring on the side of trust verses suspicion.
All of my life I have been very attuned to what is happening under the surface of things, of relationships and people and organizations and even myself. I’ve had to be very astute and careful and have had to highly hone my intuition and gut feelings of people and things. There have been a lot of bad people masquerading as good people in my life. But there have also been a lot of people showing up as good people. There have been many, many wonderful people whose biggest intention was to do good.

So when I think about innocence I think about just the wide-eyed wonder of the goodness of the world and the belief that so many people are wanting to do good and seeking to do good. Innocence also feels like it’s willing to risk being playful. It’s willing to risk joking around and bantering and laughing and connecting. I feel God calling me to more of an awareness of his playfulness. I’m asking God to show up in playful ways in my life. I know He is so good and so true and so steady and so tender and strong and full of love and compassion and a firm and gentle corrector, but he’s also playful. He has a gleam in his eye, He’s willing to engage in less serious ways, He’s willing to enter into joking around, and teasing, and sharing witty things, and just laughter and good humor. He wants to give me a nickname.
We cannot be playful with people we don’t trust. We are constantly on guard and alert, not relaxed and joking when we don’t trust someone. I just want to relax into that incredibly deep trust that knows that God loves me so much He can joke around with me and I am still safe.

I also think innocence doesn’t mean we suspend discernment, or we do not pay attention, or we only see through rose colored glasses.
Innocence says what if the most wonderful thing is true rather than what if the worst possible thing is true. And sure, in my life some people have showed their true ugly colors, some things have not worked out, there have been some grave disappointments and losses, some things I have wished for have not come to pass, some people I wish could be here are not still here. But, oh, some things have revealed their true beautiful colors, some awful terrible no good things are in the hands of the most powerful Redeemer, some things have worked out beautifully not so much according to my plan but according to his, and some things I have not even known to wish for have come true and are continuing to come true. Beautiful innocence knows there is no dark monster I can’t whisper my fear of to Him and He will hold that secret sacred. He might even tease me about this fear because there is no darkness that his light doesn’t shine on. There is no badness that cannot be overcome by his goodness. There is just trust and surrender and joy. I want to open myself to this word and all the possibilities it brings this year, let God chisel away a bit at my studious carefulness, ask Him to show me a little different way of being in the world.
For the course I’m taking I’ve been reading The Solace of Fierce Landscapes by Belden C. Lane and in it he says, “Why is it always easier to anticipate God’s wrath than to perceive God’s joy?” He also writes, “What I desire most of all is the assurance of God’s love, the echo of God’s laughter breaking over me in waves of playfulness that won’t let me go.” May the pursuit of innocence bring these things home to me this year, open my eyes to see them and my mind to taste them. May this pursuit bring me more awareness of the joy and playfulness of God, his delight in me and joy in being with me. And may these ponderings touch your imagination, and spark a desire of some aspect of God that you are longing to encounter.

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